The Third Pillar Of Self Intimacy (Boundaries)

Transcript:

Chase: 00:01 Hey guys, it's CS Joseph with CSJoseph.life. Doing another video tonight, the next video in our series about the four pillars of self intimacy. First we talked about love your neighbor as yourself and what that actually means. We also talked about taking responsibility for meeting your own needs. And we also talked about, yesterday, personal standards. Keeping personal standards so that you as an individual can make sure that you are taking responsibility for not only meeting your own needs, but also developing your needs. Identifying your needs and developing standards as a result of your needs so you can have a better life. So tonight's video we're gonna be talking about personal boundaries. Personal boundaries [is] super important. Did you know - {Wow, it's, like, really windy again}. Did you know that... a lot of times men for some reason, and women, both genders, just allow people to walk all over them? And that could be anywhere in business, it could be at work, that could be in the bedroom, that could be any [any] form of social interaction. People, for some reason, in our first world society are decadent. First world society...

Chase: 01:33 They just allow other people to walk all over them. I see it all the time. What's my first inclination when I see somebody walking all over somebody else? Do I really have a problem as much with the person who.. [is doing] is, like, walking all over the other person? Or do I have the problem with the person that's allowing that to happen? From my point of view, I don't respect the person that is allowing that to happen to them. We can't allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. And that's what personal boundaries are for, right? I mean, it makes sense, right? But why is this relevant? Why is... why is it relevant or... why is it important?

New Speaker: 02:21 Well, [breath], the answer to that is because when you have your personal standards and you finally understand what you want, what you're looking for; the standards with which you live your life by; the standards with which you were using to meet your own needs; and you're holding yourself to... you're holding yourself accountable to those standards, right? That's a huge sign of maturity, right? Well, what about holding other people to those standards, and that's where we get in to boundaries, right? It's important to have personal boundaries. So, [swallow], like for example, let's say, let's say you get a boyfriend for the first time an…, you know, you're going to college, he got a car and you let him drive your car. He doesn't have a car, but you let him drive a car and he wrecks it, right?

New Speaker: 03:21 Well, you know, from then on after breaking up with a guy because, "Wow, that was horrible." It is if he wasn't able to replace it, right? Cuz [then] by then you'd have lost all respect for the guy, let's be honest. At that point in time... [laughing] you would know for sure to, like, not let anyone violate that boundary again, and you might think twice about allowing someone to drive your car next time, right? Especially if you're in a relationship with them. I mean [that's]... it comes with the territory, right? People have been hurt a lot in their life and it creates boundaries. Or sometimes people just don't know how to develop or keep those boundaries. Well, here's how. After you've made your personal standards, start applying those personal standards to people in your life: your lover, even your children, as well as your family members, anyone at work. You have to establish those boundaries. Boundaries are basically going to be the only way for you to put other people in your life in check.

Chase: 04:36 Here's another example. Let's say you're a man. You got your own place, right? Its your roof, your rules. Your rules represent boundaries, right? And as the man of the house you are to not allow those rules to be violated in any way. So if you have a 'no smoking marijuana' rule in your house... enforce it. That means anytime that ever happens you kick them out of the house. There's all sorts of types of different... boundaries that you can have. Or for example you have a boundary with other people that you expect them to wear a condom, you know, protection. That's a boundary. Or you expect them to go get a blood test and see if they're carrying anything before you have sexual contact with them. That's a boundary. That's a boundary that you have for them, right? Or let's say you're dating this new guy and, you know, he's touching you a lot, you know, making you a little uncomfortable. But you have this boundary of 'no one touches me until I'm comfortable or okay with it,' right? And you don't let them do it. It's kind of like, you know, you don't allow yourself to... be inappropriately handled by anyone unless you allow it, right? That's a boundary. And the root of boundaries are the personal standards that you have created for yourself. That's where it comes from.

Chase: 06:24 Everyone needs to have personal boundaries. Personal boundaries are important for a lot of reasons. Let me tell you how powerful personal boundaries are. You hear about that program called "DARE: To Keep Kids Off Drugs," right? They forced me into that when I was in fifth grade. I don't really do drugs because I don't want to spend money on that, and... I like being responsible. But some people need them, some people spend their money on 'em, whatever. That's a personal standard that I had, right? And then I developed a personal boundary so that anyone that I have a relationship with after the fact, that means... that means that I expect them not to be doing drugs either. Like I have a strict no smoking rule, right? Anyone that shares my bed, for example, is a nonsmoker, right? That is a boundary that I have, right? Boundaries prevent abuse, or they prevent physical abuse, they prevent sexual abuse. [It's] why it's important to protect children, especially from sexual abuse, because they don't have the power to put up boundaries. They may actually have personal standards, these little kids, but they don't have, Like, it's nice to put up a rule or a boundary for someone. But if you don't have the ability to enforce that boundary, I mean good luck enforcing a boundary as a child. Especially when that child is trying to enforce that boundary to a powerful adult. They don't really know what tools they have available to them to defend themselves, right?

New Speaker: 08:11 From potential abuse, [breaths].... and that [that] includes anyone and everyone. You have to have personal boundaries. Use the standards that you have built up for yourself and hold people in your life, especially those closest to you, right? Even those not close to you, but especially those closest to you, make personal boundaries and enforce them. It's kind of like when you're a parent and you have a child, if you give them an ultimatum you better be willing and more than ready to make good on it. Otherwise your child will walk all over you. I think this is one of the reasons why personal boundaries [is] kind of ignored in our society because children are not spanked anymore. They're not punished, you know, "spare the rod, spoil the child, right? "Oh, come on, but that's so old fashioned." Well, I think the reason why no one in this society is respectful is because they don't have self respect.

Chase: 09:21 Well, you can't really learn self respect until you are respecting other people, right? How are you going to respect your parents if you're not punished? If you're not disciplined, right? Discipline is everything. And if you lack the discipline to have the self respect needed to enforce your personal boundaries, people are just going to walk all over you. They're not going to respect you. You're going to end up going, man, to man, to man. Low quality men. Man children who consume more than they produce, who don't have jobs, right? Who don't even have a car, they don't even have their own place to live. They live in their mama's basement, or they have roommates, right? What woman wants to be in a relationship with a guy who has roommates? Maybe a woman who has low standards. Maybe a woman who doesn't enforce her boundaries, right? Maybe a woman who doesn't take responsibility for meeting her own needs. That's a problem. And that's what we need to avoid as a society. Same thing goes for men, you know? How often do you find yourselves in situations where you're with this woman who expects you to worship her, right, and then you're left with a choice.

Chase: 10:46 Do I buy into that, or do I have self respect and risk the relationship? What do I do, right? It's hard. It's really hard in this society because [chuckle] men often seek the approval of women because women are everywhere. Women are running the schools, right? Running preschool, running regular school. There's very few male teachers. Why would they want to be a male teacher, it doesn't pay very good, right? They're not exactly the most respected amongst males in our society, let's be honest. Because males look down on teaching positions as a feminine thing, right? That's a problem. So because of that, our society is causing little boys to seek approval from women, which in turn causes them to be willing to worship their women in relationships, right? Which causes them to lose respect for them and then the relationship falls apart anyway. So then they're given a choice where it's a catch-22. It's like, "Okay, well what do I do?" Right? Personal boundaries. Personal boundaries is what solves that problem.

Chase: 12:01 That problem is solved. How? Well, because he makes it quite apparent at the beginning that you will not be doing any worshipping and he... not [not] at the expense of his self respect that is. So by all means, show all the affection and the world to your woman. They want it, give it to them, but not at the expense of your self respect, that's the point... you know? And women, please don't let men take advantage of you. Hold them accountable. Do not allow them to be stagnant. Do not allow them to... do not allow them to take advantage of you. Don't... [chuckle] do not have sex with them if they are not esteeming themselves. If they are not being noble. Seriously, don't reward their dumb behavior. It's just going to enable them and keep them as man children. That's why I tell women all the time, you know, the best thing you can do when you're with men like that: dump 'em. The... controversial phrase that I have, "thrown 'em in the dumpster," right? Throw 'em in the dumpster, [it'd] be the best thing you've ever done for him, let's be honest. Because someone finally said "no!"

New Speaker: 13:28 Personal boundaries. Personal boundaries really are everything. Isn't it kind of... isn't it any wonder that people are really anti gun in our society right now? Guns used to be utilized to enforce personal boundaries. It's because our society doesn't really care about personal boundaries anymore. That's a problem. Personal boundaries are everything.

Chase: 14:00 When you start enforcing personal boundaries, people are forced to respect you, and let me tell you something about respect. It is better to be hated and respected than it is to be loved and treated like a little bitch. Especially for men. It is always better. And women, I know that you crave love so much from your men, but if they are abusive to you, it's not worth it. Out there is a man who actually, yes, loves you and respects you enough because you respect him, right? That he wouldn't treat you like that. Move on or enforce that personal boundary which may force the relationship to collapse and you'll have to move on, but at least you had the self respect to enforce the personal boundary. Remember, personal boundaries are everything. They're super important. And like I've said before, they come from the personal standards that you have made for yourself as a result of taking responsibility for meeting your own needs.

Chase: 15:07 The four pillars of self... intimacy just don't come at you naturally. You have to identify your needs, seek to meet your needs. And when you know you're meeting your needs then you start developing personal standards to protect those needs. To protect your ability to hold yourself accountable to meet those needs. But then you develop personal boundaries to make sure that other people in your life do not inhibit you from meeting your own needs because you're an adult. You are a sovereign human being. You have personal sovereignty. And what the hell are we allowing to happen to this society that the state is more sovereign than the man or the woman? That is ridiculous. Guys, we... we are... we are this nation, any nation we're in.... in the first world, right? Wherever you are on this planet, first world, Third World, you are a sovereign human being.

Chase: 16:09 This is who you are. And you establish your sovereignty by enforcing your personal boundaries. By having personal boundaries, and not giving an inch to anyone. I knew a few... a few young women, I've even dated a few of them. And it took them the longest time to start enforcing personal boundaries with their own fathers, for example, because their fathers [was] really abusive, right? That's really rough. There's also been situations where I've known men who have just been abused by their own mothers... verbally or socially. Like there is this one mother that... destroyed the reputation of this one guy in his community, and he had to leave the community. That was harsh, right? But that was not necessarily... yeah, sure she had fault in that, but it's even more so his fault because he did not enforce his personal boundaries. You have to keep your personal boundaries.

Chase: 17:15 It's one of the highest laws of the self. In order for you to have self intimacy, in order for people to love you [is] because you love yourself. But in order for you to love yourself, you have to demonstrate it with action, and one of the ways to do that is personal boundaries. Personal boundaries [is] everything. Needs, standards, boundaries. The third pillar of self intimacy. If you found this video helpful or educational, please subscribe to the channel and leave a like as well. That'd be dope. If you have any questions about this pillar, please leave it in the comment section. I'll do my best to answer your question and... thank you all for the questions, and the comments, and the tweets and the... funny reddit posts, and keeping an eye on everything. So thank you all for your help and your support and anything else I can do for you, let me know. So anyway, I'll see you guys tonight.

 

AUTHOR


C. S. Joseph

Founder, CEO - CSJ.life

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